Week 612: Oh, and One More Thing


Great Fast-Food Ventures, Idea No. 102: Leech-on-a-Stick!

Rules for Buying a House, No. 102: Make sure the icemaker produces cubes that have nice corners on them, instead of those weird curves.

Ways to Stay Looking Young, Idea No. 102: Convert to Judaism and wear a yarmulke to cover your bald spot.

It is a tenet of the hack book industry that 100 just isn't quite enough. Which is why the ubiquitous 101 list was devised. Go into your local bookstore and you'll be confronted with 101 Things to Think About When Buying a House, 101 Uses for Plastic Toothpicks Shaped Like Buccaneer Swords, etc. In a lot of these books, the authors are struggling gamely to fill out the list and make quota. So for This Week's Contest, from the brain of Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake himself: What was the 102nd thing -- on any list you come up with -- the one that didn't make the cut?

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up gets exactly 102 nasturtium seeds raised by the contest-suggester himself, direct from Cape Cod (though he cannot promise more than maybe 12 will bloom). The Empress will throw in a three-pack of Funky Fresh hanging air fresheners in the shape of beefsteaks ("Smells like BBQ Meat!"), discourtesy of Russell Beland of Springfield.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 6. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills.

Report from Week 608, in which we asked for snappy retorts to rude questions or comments.

Some people sent in snappy retorts to non-rude questions, such as this one from Tom Witte of Montgomery Village: "Q. Do you swear to tell the truth? A. Hello! I'm a criminal, remember?" Maybe nobody's ever rude to Tom.

{diam}Third runner-up: "Man, if your belly was on a woman, I'd swear she was pregnant."

"It was, and she is." (Veggo Larsen, Turks and Caicos Islands)

{diam}Second runner-up: "Are you walking that dog or is he walking you?"

"Actually, he's walking me, so would you mind helping him with the pooper scooper?" (Marcy Alvo, Annandale)

{diam}First runner-up, the winner of the six-foot-tall inflatable palm tree: "Do you play basketball?"

"No, do you sumo-wrestle?" (Six-foot-tall Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker: "Say, baby, let's make like we're the last two people on Earth."

"If we were, pal, we always would be." (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:


"Would it kill you to call your mother more often?"

"Sorry, I'm not willing to take that risk." (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)


"How tall are you? 6-1, 6-2?"

"6-2. What's your IQ? 61, 62?" (Hope Linske-Rice, the contest suggester's over-six-foot-tall younger sister, Potomac Falls)


"I liked you better with long hair."

"So did I, but I really needed the chemo." (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City, who actually used this retort)


"Are you losing your hair?"

"No, I'm growing my forehead. Thanks for noticing!" (Luke Currano, Columbia)


"You're not wearing that tonight, are you?"

"No, this is what I'm wearing to your funeral. I was just practicing." (Judith Cottrill, New York)


"Are those breasts real?"

"No, but your husband thinks so." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)


"Was it good for you, baby?"

"Oh, good, bad, mediocre, uninspired, second-rate, pedestrian, humdrum, insipid, forgettable, regrettable -- why do we have to put a label on it?" (Tom Witte)

. . . "Sure. Of course, a rectal exam is good for me, too, but I don't plan to do that more than once every five years either." (Joseph Romm, Washington)


[Pointing] "Implants?"

[Pointing] "Lobotomy?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)


"Haven't you had that baby yet?"

"Actually I have, but he was so noisy I stuck him back in." (Bonnie Hughes, Reston)


"Honey, I really think you need to get a boob reduction."

"So do I, sweetheart -- so I'm seeing a divorce lawyer tomorrow." (Michelle Stupak)


"When are you going to give me grandchildren?"

"Hey, for all those years I asked, did you ever get me a pony for Christmas?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)


"Do you have any idea just who I am?"

"Someone who thinks he's important?" (Russell Beland)


"Is that your dog urinating on my tree?"

"I think the question should be why are you watching? You some kind of sicko?" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)


"Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

"No vacancy." (Mark Eckenwiler)

. . . "Right now, it's 'I'm With Stupid.' "

(Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)


"Why are you still single?"

"I'm not scheduled to cell-divide till Thursday." (Mike Cisneros, Centreville)


"Are you having a baby?"

"No, I just need to exhale." (James Noble, Lexington Park)

. . . "No, but I do plan to name this tumor after you." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)


"Have you tried dieting?"

"I'm comfortable with my weight, just like you're comfortable with your stupidity." (Jean Sorensen)


"Was your baby an accident?"

"Yes. I was leaning over scrubbing the bathtub when my husband tripped and impregnated me." (Luke Currano)


"Were those triplets natural or in vitro?"

"Oh, they're adopted. We figured if we got them all at once we'd only have to pay for one lawyer." (Beth Morgan)


"You look terrible -- are you tired?"

"No, I just like to accessorize with the latest designer eyebags." (Michelle Weltman, Clayton, Mo.)


"Oh, you're here?"

"I am? Thank heavens, I thought I was lost!" (Judith Cottrill)


"Are you an illegal alien?"

"Klaatu barada nikto." (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)


"Is that a diamond or cubic zirconia?"

[Scratching her car] "Hey, guess it's real!" (Jeff Brechlin)


"How much money do you make a year?"

"How much excrement do you make a year?" (Luke Currano)


"Were you born in a barn?"

"You mean like Jesus of Nazareth?" (Mark Eckenwiler)


"Do you think I'm saying this just to hear myself talk?"

"No, I think you're saying it for people in Guam to hear you talk -- I mean, sheesh, don't you have a volume button?" (Brendan Beary)


"Are you always this immature?"

"I know you are but what am I?" (Chuck Smith)


"Don't you know that smoking kills?"

"Yes, and I've been meaning to ask: When the smokers are all dead, who will you annoy then?" (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)


"If you were really my friend, you'd tell me the truth."

"Okay, the truth is I'm really not your friend." (Michelle Stupak)


"Don't you think you can do better than him?"

"I believe in marrying for love -- after all, where would you be if your husband had tried to do better?" (Brendan Beary)


"Do you mind if I read over your shoulder?"

"Go ahead, but I have to warn you: Some of the words have more than three letters." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)


"What ever made you think I'd be interested in doing anything with someone like you?"

"Well, that's what it says on the doors of all the stalls." (Russell Beland)


"I keep looking for your name in The Style Invitational, but unfortunately it's never there."

"I keep looking for your name in the obituaries, but unfortunately it's never there." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)